Why I Avoid Tracking (And Why I Need To Start)

I bought a course to improve my study skills and time management. I block time on my calendar to work on the course, but I keep missing my study sessions.

The irony? The first module of the course talks specifically about urgency trapping, which is exactly why I kept missing those sessions. Each time I set aside time to study, I ended up doing tasks that felt more urgent instead.

The course suggests tracking distractions to help manage this problem. But tracking is something I've resisted my whole life. Only recently have I managed to start tracking my diet and finances. I'm already seeing benefits and I'm making improvements, but this resistance persists.

Tracking means facing uncomfortable truths and having to make changes. I'm finally recognizing how this lifelong pattern of avoidance has kept me stuck. To break free, I need to confront not just the habit itself, but the hidden costs that come with it.

The Hidden Cost of Avoidance

All of this avoidance doesn't actually eliminate the consequences, just delays them and magnifies their impact. That's why I'm now digging myself out of a mountain of debt and on a keto diet to lose over a hundred extra pounds.

Procrastination is leading to a life of stress and anxiety. It turns routine tasks into urgent emergencies because I put them off for too long.

There's an uncomfortable truth hidden behind all this avoidance. As someone who loves to learn, and spends an absurd amount of time on personal growth, I’m realizing I have all the signs of a fixed mindset. I'm someone that avoids failure, discomfort, and responsibility at every turn.

The Identity Trap

The tricky thing about a fixed mindset is that it usually takes root in childhood. While much of mine is a blur, there are a few memories that hint at when those seeds might have been planted.

For as long as I can remember I was a "smart kid" although I'm not sure where this started. I recall stories of me reading the encyclopedia in preschool. We got our first computer when I was five and I remember helping my first grade teacher with computer problems.

By fourth grade the fixed mindset must have been somewhat established because I remember cheating with my friend to avoid having to work hard memorizing my multiplication tables. In high school I leveraged my ability to program my calculator to succeed without needing to learn the underlying math concepts.

I focused on things that were fun and easy. Fortunately for me, computer programming has historically been fun and easy for me. I've been able to have a successful career without that much effort.

This pattern reveals that effort, risk, and the possibility of failure have always felt threatening. Being labeled as "the smart kid" created an identity trap where I was praised for natural ability, not effort. Challenges felt like evidence that I wasn't who everyone believed me to be.

Because of this, I've always felt like a fraud, that one day people will discover that I've been tricking people all along and that I'm really a moron. This generates so much anxiety and has really eliminated my self worth.

Instead of working hard and striving for bigger and better results, I take what I can get. I don't take risks because I don't want to be put in a place that would expose my inadequacies.

Why can't I take my own advice? That question stuck with me. It made me realize I needed help figuring this out. Luckily, the iCanStudy course I'm working through doesn’t just talk about the problem. It gives me a place to start.

Takeaways

The course talks a lot about the difference between fixed and growth mindsets. Someone with a fixed mindset asks a lot of questions ahead of time to prevent mistakes, while a person with a growth mindset tries the best they can and asks "How did I do?" afterwards.

One recommendation is setting aside several hours as a practice block, spend that time practicing and failing, then reviewing "how did I do?" writing down the errors I made, so I can identify trends.

I'll need to figure out something I can practice in this way. Figuring this out is a challenge as I've avoided hard practice for so long. But if I want to move forward, this seems like the place to start.

What's one uncomfortable truth you've been avoiding, and what would happen if you faced it today?